Wednesday, 20 December 2017

Cha Cha All the Way

Quite a bit of catching up to do. Well, lots of valuable drinking time over the last few months and not so much likewise important blogging hours. I'll try to be better, if only for our good friend (?) Likkmm who seriously demanded the Cardinals speech at our recent Christmas party at a new location, the Gasthaus Birner in Viennas 22nd district, since our regular Christmas shelter, the Martinsschlössl has apparently ceased to exist. As a neutral bystander I can report that the beer was fine, food was aplenty, the Moron Bros Inc. (Inc. for Incompetent by their own definition) show was impeccable and the awards ceremony, as every year, was a memorable one. So here is the speech, straight from the horses mouth, unabrigded.

Mr. Pinks Prayer

Bloody Mary, full of Vodka
Blessed are you amongst drinks
Pray for me at the hour of my death
Which I hope is soon

Live on stage!

Laudations and bowntious greeting are sent to you by the Holy Father in Rome who wishes to congratulate to the Vindobona Hash on their 35 years of existence. He would also like to remind you that the Dodo Species was considered to be healthy until 1662, if you catch the Holy Fathers drift.

Before you feet start to fall asleep, I would, on behalf of the Holy Father and the rest of our Hash, like to thank the Organisers of tonights Gala, namely the Blessed Saint Norman (OVH) and Lord Glo Balls (OVH) with assistance from Rowed Runner and Nail Me. They have successfully found a new venue and although it feels strange and sad not being able to celebrate at our old haunt  - The Martinsschlössl – I am certain, the 4 chord “Gang Bang Bang” (featuring Chuckie, Just Ken, David  and Jimbo) will sound as good as ever in this new location (would it be possible to sound even worse?)  APPLAUSE FOR THE BAND!

I would kindly suggest that those who are NOT members of this Hash and are only here for a good time, should leave now because it gets deadly boring from here On In. Now that I’ve mentioned it, I think I’ll go with you! I’ve been working on this script for two days now and you think I could come up with something better than that. Well, I haven’t so take a good long pull on your beer and bear with me…

It all began in the winter. Can anyone remember anything besides MOM standing on the cold in his shorts? Anyone remember the frozen Vineyards of Kuchelau? (If you are expecting a slide show to appear in the background don’t hold your breath). How about the Grüss-Di-A-Gott Wirt for the first of three times? My memory is numb around this time of year because I start my 2 and half months abstinence from alcohol. Everything becomes white and beautiful – in it’s own way of course …      Then there was Eichgraben for the first of two times (Oh Sodomia!). The Gießhübl Kuhheide, the beautiful Nussforfer Wehr and our first Heurigen Stop of the Year.  I was drinking again. How about the spiritual Easter Bunny run, and then our traditional Monday opening running up the Hermannskogel – where? – the Grüß-Di-A-Gott Wirt. Naturally. Don’t forget the blow jobs by the Vienna Pipers for our 35th birthday party. Now the fun begins.

The fantastic backyard run brought to you by my favourite Mother and her two charming daughters in Bad Deutsch Altenburg, the King Gook Memorial Run in Laxenburg with Salmbräu Beer in real Glass Mugs courtesy of Ice Queen and Slush Puppie. No Mercy Mistress’ Party by the Pool with leftovers from her sons birthday. The fantastic freezing cold but no rain this time  Bar-B-Q at Just-In-Beavers Villa on the Donau Oder Kanal. Casting Couch’s Golden Stairway and not (Thank God!) Golden Shower Run. My Pints birthday run with grilling under the stars on his great deck in the woods. ….   Man we have it pretty good don’t you think? Grüss-Di-A-Gott Wirt for the third  and final time with election predictions and Victoria’s Secret Birthday run with old and new and Nail Me’s house for beer stops. The AGM with “MeToo” results and, finally here….

There were over 58 runs and I haven’t even included the weekend PGAE extravaganza as well as the Eurohash and the Zillion cans of leftover Ottakringer. That will be covered a bit later by the Blessed Saint Norman (OVH).

All of these runs take time, dedication, commitment, and love for our Hash. We had high water marks in 2017. MTG became Prof. Dr.Dr. Felch (OVH) after reaching 1000 runs. Ice Queen, Free Willy and Slush Puppie hit 900, Root C, King Ralph, Joy Stick and Sex Energy passed 600 and MOM is still MOM. And everyone who came regularly contributed by setting more than one run…. with the exception of two people, both of them having  a combined total of 76 runs but not one run set. Sad but true. No need to mention names here because we are On-On to the awards….


If it seems odd that the same people get all the awards year after year, then there might be a reason why it is so. Perhaps they put a lot of time and effort into our Hash…   of perhaps they pay me off.

The original awards were called “the Golden Beer Cans” and were sprayed gold and got labelled by the late and great King Gook. Somewhere along the way things changed to medals and trophies. Tonight, the awards are sponsored by the Vatican and the Holy Father. Each one of these medals was selected by yours truly but because we have not raised the Hash Fee and our Hash funds can only go so far, we have limited the numbers of recipients  (winners). These items of honor should be worn proudly at Hash functions, particularly at funerals and Miss World Contests. If you fail to receive an award this year – tough – better luck next year – if there is a next year.

The first award is for best run

We had many beautiful runs. 3 Hares set over 10 runs alone! Thank you all very much! Mr. Pink thinks he deserves this award, but he isn’t going to get it. Others thought the run in Siegenfeld with the most embarrassing wedding proposal ever witnessed by mankind, should win. This is for the best run in Hainburg – The Ball Breaker – and also but for his organising (organ sizing) all Hash runs, and setting 10 others on his own  – Prof. Dr.Dr.Felch  - this is yours – Congrats!

Moral: It is bad luck to take advice from insane people!

The next award is for Consistency

Being on the Hash for almost every run, helping with pouring beer, being silent and understanding – do you understand me ?? – This one goes to MOM – what, he is not here??

Ok then it is yours RootC!

Moral: Rapists should be castrated at birth.

This one is done the most for the Hash

Well it is pretty obvious who gets this, man! Who finally got rid of all the dreaded Ottakringer? No one but the Flying Dutchman.

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Patient: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The test you took showed that you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That’s the good news? What’s the bad news`
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

This award is Pain in the Rain.

Remember SB Mamas disaster? The entire Hash huddled in the Arenberg park under a Mushroom structure with a homeless person – in the pouring rain. We ran 100 meters and gave up – But there was rain that was far worse – in Rodaun – God – what rain! – Where was the RA? Who set this? Hot Property!

The Ingratiation Award

We have got to to brown nose to this person all year long so that she will invite us to her pool. This year she gave us the leftovers from her sons 30th birthday (Kosher?). I mean, does it get and better than this?? (EEK EEK!!)  No Mercy Mistress – Nice Hat! Would you remove your hat please?

This award is called “What do you get when you cross a Dutchman with a Finnish Woman? Horse Dick!

This award is the “I think I know your face – have you ever sat on my face before?”. It’s like our former GM Duck who kept coming back , and back, and etc. She’ll be here for a short time only – The Great Mindphuck!

And finally (maybe not)N this is the biggest award of the night: this is about self-promotion and self-implosion. The biggest Fuck-Up of all time. Group pressure has forced me to give the Cluster Fuck award for the PGAE 5.5.

The whole group of Sugar Daddy, Sugar Cum, Steamback Mountain, Alrightke + Offlimits!

But before we go we have a few special awards.

The prediction of the Austrian Elections was done by mixing alcohol of all the political party colours – I haven’t a clue what went in that toxic concoction – but it was done democratically. The election Cocktail an their prediction was correct. We elected drunks! The clectio ncocktail award to IG + SP.

As always I think that Anita Hanjob does the best Shirt designs. And she does. But this time different shirts were produced with print that hasn’t come off – yet! Great Job Barefoot!

How could I forget our Moron Brothers? It's easy! Nevertheless I have to give them something, one is my Holy Acolyte! Congrats and give this to your brother for being the Hash Flash. 

Departing Joke – Much too long a presentation

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