Thursday, 7 June 2018

The Rite of Spring

One cannot say too much about the opening of the Monday evening run season. Well is it known to everybody far and wide that we always celebrate this occasion up at the Grüß Di A Gott Wirt, with the way leading up the Viennas highest elevation point, the Hermannskogel. Four Hares, namely Tickpleaser, MOM (Sektschlepper), Cardinal Munk, OVH and yours truly tried to live up to the high standard which we always try to achieve on that day. Taking into account - of course - the musical piece that is the title of this post.

Up there on the hill top as always there was Sekt, Cake and Song. A merry time was had by the lot of you who made the trip and, as always, friend Stephan who is the owner of the Grüß Di A Gott Wirt opened up his place for us on his day of rest. His restaurant usually is closed on Mondays. See you there next time.

Ain't no mountain high enough! 

Wine, Women and Song

The Lyrics

Advance Romance

This run which started from the trainstation carpark at Wolf in der Au, somewhere in the 14th district of Vienna was hared by Mr.Pink and (presumably) Morehair Richard Kopf, OVH. Before the start of the run it was announced that there were a long, tiresome yet spectacular runners part and an easy does is walkers trail so make your choice. There was nothing to complain about the first part of the trail, which crossed the Linzer Strasse and the railway line, leading into streets with one remarkable street sign as shown:

Que pasa aqui?

All fair and well we went on to reach to Mauerbach, a charming little waterway with a running path and some old bridge constructions which if still in occasional use look highly dubious to me. At the end of the Mauerbach walkers trail Hare Richard Kopf lost his sense of direction (and his mind for a little while) and all hope for a decent continuation of the walkers trail went down the tubes when no more flower dots, blobs, signs were to be seen. Accordingly, since that area is well known to experienced Hounds of the World's Worst we all went back towards the main road (Mauerbachstraße and then Linzer Straße) to the carpark.

I later learned that six or seven stalwarts survived the runners part which must have taken them well over two hours. Well done everybody. I had to rush home before the begin of the circle so not much more news from this one.

Get your hands off my filthy desert!

Put in perspective

Thursday, 17 May 2018

Jolly Bold

A premature Monday evening run occured in early April (how dare you? There were times when the Cardinal, OVH and yours truly fought tooth and claws over those Monday evening starting dates, whether they be one week earlier or later. Well, we were a bit younger then). TwoBob, assisted by Casting Couch welcomed his entire Home Hash Chapter which is the Berkshire Hash (a friendly bunch) to our very own Hash House, the Gösser Bierinsel in the Prater. Master MisterBaitor (or the other way round) was the CoHare of the evening and there must have been an easy crowd of 50+ English Hashers, added by approx 20 members of the World's Worst.

There is not much that one can do wrong with setting trails in the Prater and this run was no exception.  Taking in the first signs of springtime, combined with a huge circle afterwards and darkness setting in still too early, the way to the Hash House afterwards was a short walking convoy.

Drinking and chatting went on until late. So I heard.

Friday, 4 May 2018

Are you eggsperienced?

No rules but traditions are the essence of the World's Worst. A very fine such tradition are the Easter Runs, with Ice Queen and Slush Puppie being the regular since ... I forgot when. Certainly for a very long time. Kaltenleutgeben, which is a sort of village on the southwestern edge of Vienna and a bit tricky to get to (long, narrow and winding roads) is offering its beauties only on second or third looks. Not far off from the Gasthaus Kaiserziegel, known to some for their old-fashioned cuisine (in the positive sense).

Anyhow, steepish road leading up to the carpark and hills all around were not a promise of a light flat jog ahead. Up the hills and straight into the area of the lovely Naturpark Föhrenberge (a really vast forested area) it was very much un up, spiked with the occasional Checkback and split trails (2Bob declared himself happy to run in a yankfree zone, at least temporarily) when some regular running track came up and - naturally - one remembers the sophisticated moments best. After too many fruitless checks for Easter Eggs consolation came in form of lovely Eierlikör (only several years old) but nonetheless inhaled by the pack of drunkards within the usual timespan of nanoseconds.

Gone country

Drum solo


Not an eggliquor drinker 

69 sips!

After this mild refreshment interval it was on back an downhill for a while, at the very end passing by the local stables. And on in towards another long circle where Ice Queen was presented with drinking mug No. 69!

Sunday, 1 April 2018


The annual spring run which is annually hared by Kuty PI and Prof. DDr. Felch, OVH annually takes place at a place called am Himmel in Vienna's 19th district, not for from the lovely Cobenzl area that saw very many good Hash run in the history of the World's Worst, most recently in July last year as a warm up run to Eurohash Week (look here for last years report).

Unfortunately no pics to embellish my scribblings (the Moron Brothers seem to be slacking these days), as the run started is way all the way downhill, muddy, slippery, rotten trees, you name it. After a few hundred metres it was back up again on an extremly steep ascent with neighbouring vines,neatly lined up. (There is an excellent Gemischter Satz being produced in the Cobenzl winery). Crossing the Höhenstraße and on left and up into the vast forest (this is still all within Vienna city limits, dear readers) and a couple kilometres further back across the Höhenstrasse made me ruminate whether the Hares would risk bringing us near the area of our first Monday evening runs which always start from Grüß Di A Gott Wirt, leading up to the highest elevation point in Vienna, the Hermannskogel.

Nah, obviously the powers that be had different plans and accordingly it was on back towards the Cobenzl area and after a bit more than an hour it was time for cool beers and a long circle. The reason for the longer than usual circle was the induction of Flying Dutchman to the fold of the order of the Vindobona Hash (OVH). The requirement for this is one thousand runs with the VH3, and in usual picturesque and funny looking manner and style FD was given the new moniker of REAR ADMIRAL The appropriate technique was displayed by two married couples (and heavily filmed by Pino the Frog and a few unknown bystanders).

Pics will be added when they are available. Nice run and momentous ceremony. The next OVH ceremony is immiment. Watch this space.

The original induction speech for the latest member of the OVH went like this:

[OVH-1, say Felch] “The Flying Dutchman (Dutch: De Vliegende Hollander) is a legendary ghost ship that can never make port and is doomed to sail the oceans forever. The myth is likely to have originated golden age of the Dutch East India Company (VOC). The oldest extant version has been dated to the late 18th century. Sightings in the 19th and 20th centuries reported the ship to be glowing with ghostly light. If hailed by another ship, the crew of the Flying Dutchman will try to send messages to land, or to people long dead. In ocean lore, the sight of this phantom ship is a portent of doom”. . . [Isn't wiki grrreat!]
[OVH-2, CardiMonk] “With this naval connection to his hash name, we have considered elevating Flying Dutchman to the rank of Admiral, for example to Schout-bij-nacht ( watch at night, night watch) as it is known in the Koninklijke Marine i.e. the Royal Dutch Navy.”

OVH-3, Morhaer] “On the other hand the Urban Dictionary tells us about the act of engaging in intercourse with a woman from behind i.e. Doggystyle - and using the momentum of the movement to propel the couple forward across a room. The man in this acrobatic performance  must hold his hands in the air and not otherwise balance or steady himself. . . . And it is claimed that making  a full circuit around a room entitles you be known as a Rear Admiral. Now that is interesting!“

OVH-4, Blessed Norman] So we have reached the opinion in the College of OVH’S that your Hash Moniker of Flying Dutchman should be preceded by the esteemed title of Rear Admiral, but only after you perform the following , as demonstrated now for us  .. . 
[At this stage enter a couple, let’s call them Prsa Kralovna and BraTitsLover of the Bratislava hash, who perform a demonstration around the circle]
“Now Flying Dutchman, you may choose your partner for the ceremonial cavorting around the circle. Then please stand behind this Harriet real close . .  and raise your arms [Harriet as “ volunteer” e.g. Boney M, ] Now you have to gyrate, do your business and FLY around the circle together.”

OVH-5, Lord Globalls]
“So, Flying Dutchman, you have - at last! - achieved, or should I say, suffered 1000 runs. And you have performed the special ceremony to the best (or worst ) of your ability.
Are you ready, willing, and dumb enuf to receive recognition of this, and be honoured by your assembled peers to be accepted into the ‘flying’ equivalent of the Mile High Club?”

[“Yes - or Ja" from FD] “Then I hand over this naval insignia [Admiral’s hat] to Cardinal Munk who will induct you into the esteemed and traditional Order of the Vindobona Hash, OVH” 
 [Hereby C Munk has usual freedom to say what ever he wants, should be in tune with what has gone before . . . and of course he will be wearing his robes, just as all the other OVHs are wearing their own  special attire for the occasion] 

After that, down down from Admiral’s hat , elevation by Lord G and C  Munk to:

Do you still remember the great Cow and Chicken cartoon series? They also had a rear admiral in their ranks.

Thursday, 29 March 2018

Beer Mile Number One

Saturday last week saw the first edition of the Beer Mile in Vienna, organ-sized by Mr. Pink and Barefoot. I couldn't make it and would have loved to see it combined with a regular Hash run which didn't happen, although in retrospect it was good that the Beer Mile took place away from the Sunday run. Enough said, here come the Beer mile report by Mr. Pink as well as pics provided by Barefoot (rumor has it that Richard Morehaer Kopf, OVH, took some pics as well). Thanks to all of you.

Here we go:

Vienna's first Beer Mile…

For those unfamiliar with the Beer Mile, it is most famous for being Canada's most famous (only?) invention; part microcosm of the Hash staples of something resembling r*nning/walking/crawling and drinking, part spectacular sufferfest: drink one beer then r*n a quarter mile (400m), repeat four times – and r*n a fifth lap as a penalty if you at any stage before finishing vomit. Lance Armstrong tried it once, but he gave up after one beer/lap because it was too hard - I guess beer isn't his drug of choice. After years of proposals in Vindobona Circles, March 24, 2018, will now go down in history as the date that the first Beer Mile in Vienna, or indeed Ostrichland period, finally took place. (Well, technically it was the fourth, but as it was the first with more than three entrants, the first with more than two finishers, and the first with actual Ostriches taking part, it does enough to warrant that title.)

The Beer Mile, naturally, has history with the Hash. A total of 50 Hash kennels and well over 400 Hashers around the world have completed a qualifying official "Kingston Rules" Beer Mile – which means getting to the end, doing so drinking four beers of at least 355ml (though as we can only get 330mls in Europe, close enough) of – and, this is important – 5% abv. Which rules out a good 75% of every American attempt ever. For the stats fans, any of those in Vienna?, who have asked: the H3 average all-time is around 15:30, with the Harrierette average at just under 17:00 (with a record time of 9:11). The slowest H3 time (they still completed it!) is 58:18, which gives Tonto something to aim for in future, and Bratislava is, of course, the world's fastest Hash at 5:56. The Hash Record, which is held by the 69th quickest Hasher by personal best, is currently 9:51 by one Major Pecker (I hope one day it is one of the amazingly named "Deep Space 69," "Ich Liebe Dick," or "Brazilian Whacks Off". Or that the San Diego Hasher "Only Comes in a Kid's Meal," who we found researching this, completes one sometime soon. Power Kraut should be probably NEVER be made aware of this event.

Anyway, to bring this to Vienna and those VH3ers wishing to participate themselves, first, we had to solve a problem: Austrian Sports Unions are as likely to share their running tracks as Mind the Gap is to share his own Hash fries, perhaps with good sense when it comes to the Beer Mile: one Albanian by the Hash name of Major F*ck Up, recently in Bratislava vomited so much over our own facilities that we actually had to build an ark to be able to get to the vending machine to buy water to wash the flooded lanes clean. With this in mind, we were forced to find our own public venue. Luckily, the City of Vienna authorities were kind enough to mark an out-and-back course 200 metres in each direction, making a 400-metre loop, on the Prater Hauptallee which resembled more the original black laned Olympic Stadium in Athens*, kind of aptly for the Herculean task awaiting our entrants. (*More on them in a minute, but here a quick aside to praise Canadian Hash legend Little Big Man who actually defied security to do a Beer Mile on that very track last year – this is the H3 standard to which we should all aspire!)

So it was then, that a mix of Vindobona/Bratislava Hashers, a handful of Austrians half Barefoot's age, who we probably shouldn't enquire how he found, and one total random who – we have no idea how – found out about the event from LGB's posting on Facebook, descended upon the terminus of the #1 tram in Prater, just in time for XX to claim credit for the first genuinely nice day of spring. Said young Austrians had us waiting around for 15 minutes as our beers slowly warmed – the result of preparing for the event with a 4am tequila session for which they were duly and suitably cruelly penalized as their girlfriends beat them to the last 330ml size beers in the Tankstelle, meaning they were forced to drink 500mls instead.

With M.o.M., Nail Me, 3 Dicks at Once, and A.N.a.L. on the sidelines serving as timers, moral support and Schadenfreude administrators – and with XX offering (shivers as he types this) flashing services, the field of 12 received their final destructions from Barefoot, as Pink was unable to contribute due to having spent the entirety of his bus ride from Bratislava trying not to incur his own personal penalty lap: man flu is a killer, people. And then they were off, to the sight of a slightly bemused Mr. Pink as Token Canadian Joe sprinted past him (first time for everything, Vienna!) not 20 metres after the first beers had been downed, only to then lose the lead 300 metres later clutching his stomach and ruing that his tactic of going 100% from the gun "might not have been a good idea." Personally, if I were offering him Beer Mile advice, I'd have started with "don't drink wifebeater (Stella Artois)" but chivalry has no place in our ranks.

The Mile passed in a blur, more for some than for others (probably those on Ottakringer), and despite the attempts of the standard Prater fauna of people not looking where they are pointing the front wheels of their bikes, joggers in headphones moving in right angles as they watch YouTube videos, dogs on extendable leads to which the connection to their owners is notional at best, and more k*ds than an Amstetten basement straying across our track, collisions were somehow avoided and the finishing times read out, with various records falling. As, it should be mentioned, did all the young Austrians who took part in the event into one heap at the finish line, the assembled age of which was still junior to XX. Whereupon, much rejoicing was had and sins within the run discussed (stop me when this sounds familiar) and all retired to a nearby Biergarten to bask in the year's first warm sun while paying grotesquely-inflated prices for what passes as beer in the Austrian capital and enjoying the sight of at least one children's playground animal ride being stripped of its innocence by one of the barely legal-to-drink Austrians, as another philosophized on the passing-of-time with the sad lament that his "girlfriend turns 19 tomorrow." Meanwhile, a third member of the crew postured that XX was the Rick of Rick and Morty of our group, which, I think, is some sort of huge kudos down-with-the-kidz Down Down.

As for the times for anyone interested, Mr. Pink defended the Hash honour (such as it has any) to stroll in sick at 8:17, new boot Manuel (the Facebook find) set the Austrian Men's National Record with a time of 8:46 – for shame Hot Property! (10:25), who was also pipped for a podium place by Joe, who overcame his early overly ambitious start to finish third at 10:24. Barefoot (12:45), knocking back 6% root beer, somehow avoided a penalty lap and showed enough fortitude to then complete the "Nautical Beer Mile" which adds 265 yards and one "good swig o' rum" onto the end of the event, before Just Lisa claimed the new official Austrian Women's NR with 16:50. Over five minutes back at 22:05 came Robin, who although being the leader of the 500ml drinkers, only actually wins the MTG Trophy for being beaten by his girlfriend. After another 5 minutes of slapstick/physical comedy the four young Austrians rolled in at 27:50, 28:34, 29:12 and finally 30:30 – the final two taking great pride in their penalty laps earned by two spectacular displays of public hurling. So, if any Hasher wants to drink from the fountain of youth and beat a bunch of late teenagers/guys in their early 20s, the bar has been set!

We'll certainly be doing this again, possibly in May, and in the meantime hopefully the real result will be we've picked up a few new recruits for VH3! This was our biggest recruitment tool in Toronto and there is a lot of crossover, for anyone who sneers at it.
And never has MoM been more vocal in anything, EVER, than his firm NO objection to ever taking part in such an event (4x Coke or Chocolate Milk for the non-drinkers)!

On on!

Urban Gardening

Another tradtition at the World's Worst has become the Post Ski Week run at the Augarten, a park in Vindobona's third district. The park is located not too far from the city centre, a part of it houses the premises (and a performance theatre) for the Vienna Boys Choir (not to be mistaken for the Queer Boys Quoir which were once en vogue chez the Hash) and the two monstrous Flaktürme, relics from WW2.

An art in itself is to try to do some exercise on the smallest possible perimeter and that is what the two Hares The Blessed Saint Norman and Cardinal Munk, both OVH tried to achieve. "Running" at this chapter has become a bit unfashionable as out of a group of twenty a mere 4 or maybe 5 tried to pretend that they were running. But any chance to fight the later winter blues and set you greedy hands on a few cold beers is much welcomed.

It is hard to believe nowadays, but in the 18th and 19th century there were severe floodings inside the park which all occured before the Danube got regulated in the late 1800s. The last part of the run split into a walkers trail that led straight back to the cars and a runners part, well, I got lost on Gaußplatz, at least a few happy ones were able to follow what was intended by the Hares. The main feature during the circle was the appearence of a local law enforcement agent (at 3:30 p.m.!) as a local resident was strongly voicing his protest against our usual festitivies that were comparatively tame. The policeman came, saw, and left with a grin.