No guests from the Zagreb Hash this time, but a bunch of visitors from Radstadt, stalwarts from Pussy Galore's Alpine Experience. Plun another group of guests that Walrus brought along. In the end there were 71 partyguests which seemed to be a fine number.
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| He's the happiest Christmas Tree! |
And here comes the Awards Speech, unabridged.
MT
(A toast to all those who can’t be with us anymore tonight)
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Wodka costs less
than dinner for two
Welcome to the newest edition of the World's Worst Christmas Party! We're happy to have you here with us tonight in this multi-purpose re-education hall.
To my left let me introduce Mr. Perry Como (CM), who came all the way from the Christmas Island in the Pacific Ocean. Our remarkable trio will be further augmented by the legendary Mr. Buddy Holly (SN), over there on my far-left (hello there!), who is already waiting to dispense his alcohol-induced wisdom on you in a few instants. And I am going to introduce myself, my name is Louis Armstrong!
After last years awards excursion into the Land of Ducks for everyones bathtubs we will devote tonight’s awards to the miracles of synthetic food, in stark contrast to the sumptuous meals that our hosts from the Gasthaus Birner have provided for us. Various Happiness Pills and a few valuable and worthy gadgets that are indispensable for the average Hashers daily routines are waiting for the lucky winners. We went out there in search of experience. A most remarkable and newsworthy thing happened in early November when the unimportant local Full Moon Hash got immortalised in the leading weekly newspaper for the Homeless, the Augustin. Read about it on the Hashblog. To quote our Great and Blessed Saint Norman: The truth can be twisted by warped imagination into the unexpected.
Enjoy yourselves and remember, to complement the funny clothes you're all wearing tonight: You're never fully dressed without a smile. :-)
TBSN
Before we devote ourselves to the first glorious award winner, let me give you a forecast for tonight’s course of events:
There will be lots Alcohol, low Standards and poor Decisions.
The inauguration of a Brexit Hash subchapter to the World's Worst Hash, being led by truly stable geniuses like Victoria’s Secret, Lord Glo-Balls, OVH, and King Ralph signifies a remarkable local landmark. After all the English taught those Ostriches to drive on the correct side of the road, which is the left one – and this was only changed back to the wrong side in 1938. On most runs on warm evenings – and there were a LOT of warm evenings thanks to Global Warming – we even managed to keep the drinks cold, at least most of the time. The new beer policy that has been introduced at the AGM – a minimum of three crates of beer plus two bottles of wine - guarantees that there will be no more dry spells during our circles, helping the RA and his assistants to continuously put their dubious spell on the circle as long as drinks last.
Which brings me to the first award, the coronation of the Newcomers of the Year.
Since the Worlds Worst hardly ever attracts any newcomer and less so those who come back – and MOM, this is all your fault! - it is therefore my pleasure to present the following nominees:
Candidate # 1 - Null Comma Josef – who is infamously well-known and still counts as a newcomer, taking into account his total number of 3 runs per year.
Candidate # 2 - Bootleg Sister – after many years of AWOL (Absence without leave) in Canada she returned triumphantly, together with Needleman, ready to be starting all over again.
Candidate # 3 - Squeeze Box Mama – who she? After successfully finding refuge in the Netherlands she returned back to where she once belonged.
And the happy winners are, and I would like you to make them feel REAL good -
DAISY BALLS and PRINCESS WANKING CONSTANTLY – give them a big hand!
These two brought a sunny and lighthearted touch to the land of the unfunny geriatrics, and we're still amazed that these two keep coming back.
To prevent you from too much negative influence from all those present tonight please accept a packet of Anti-Chaos Pills, to stop the inner slob in both of you.
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| The future of the World's Worst Hash! |
CM
Norman, you look like I need another drink.
But before knocking one back I, in my great and unmatched wisdom (and I know that this claim is very modest because my great president used it) would like to tackle the second award of the evening, and we will continue handing out happiness pills to the undeserving lot of you.
Your Hash Cash makes the runs go round, pays for Lord Glo-Balls new cars and also for the circle drinks. You have noticed by now that I like poetry, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with a stick.
Providing drinks in ample quantities is the most important requirement for a smooth circle. Some of you have excelled themselves in this respect in various ways and it is my noble task to present the following nominees for the next award, and let me add that we're rounding 'em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way (that’s another quote by my great President).
Candidate # 1 - Sleeping Partner – whose expertise in providing beers for the circle is unknown since he never sets any runs. So do something about it – NOW!
Candidate # 2 - Septic Yank – Slap that Bass of yours for Christs Sake, set more runs and keep bringing those cold beers
Candidate # 3 - Victoria’s Secret – a Heroine, the Jeanne D’Arc of her favourite location in the 21st district, the Stadlweg, that she has used to start runs from no less than three times last year, with the trails all going in different directions. And there were pallots and pallots of cold beer. A dream!
And the glorious winner is, and please welcome him with thunderous applause:
Primadonna! – This Gentleman has set a summer classic, starting off from the middle of the Verteilerkreis Favoriten, which is a roundabout leading to and from the A23 motorway and the adjacent boondocks. We were shown the sights and sounds of Vienna’s 10th district, went to see last years deserted motorway ramp again (which is known as the Gesperrte Ausfahrt Simmering), but this time with a Schnaps Stop. And, at long last, we had a great circle with bottled beer that was cooled down with ice.
But there were only 40 bottles for 40 thirsty Hashers so the circle wound down real quickly.
Primadonna, here is a box of Anti Shoppping Drops. May these help you to liberate the shopping devil in you. May these drops encourage you to obtain beer for your future runs in copious quantities. And now beat it!
(Note: As Primadonna wasn't attending the Party, Holy Roamin' Empress, OVH took his price and will hand it over to him).
CM: So, do you know why God didn't have Jesus get married?
MT: No, why?
CM: Because having him crucified once was enough.
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| The Primadonna Lookalike |
MT
We are not letting off, we’re coming straight to the next grand award that deals with eloquence, with the ability to keep rowdy and drunken masses under control.
A functioning Hash circle or any kind of Hash function at best resembles a town market square in Marrakech, buzzing with different languages, unless the Court Jester, OVH comes in and spices the plot with one of his countless dubious wisenheimer jokes. Thank the Flying Spaghettimonster this does not happen too often.
This next set of a happiness making device will honor a member of the World’s Worst Hash who proved his competence to conduct drunken rowdy groups of Hashers, thereby remarkably remaining half-sober.
The selection of candidates for this Experts award took longer than for all the other prices, which was a 4 seconds pondering period instead of the usual 3!
Nominees for this category are the following Hashers:
Candidate # 1 - Rowed Runner – for taking over the discussion point regarding Hash Beer during the last AGM in an instant, silencing all Hashers present and stating that the Blessed St.Norman stored Beer stocks for the Hash in such a competent way in their garden shed that 5 tiny little mice have met their maker as a result.
Candidate # 2 - Prince of Barkness, OVH – this man and his charming wife, the Holy Roamin’ Empress, OVH continuously please our senses by coming up with the usual wide array of unusual locations, as for example marching through the crowded entrance area of the time-honored Konzerthaus on the last Full Moon Hash. And they never fail to entertain us with their famous Sissi and Franz routine. Kudos!
Candidate # 3 - Walrus – who kept his secrecy in his former life, he has now become the talented Vice Grand Master for a second year in a row, with a big knack of swapping sneakers that aren’t his against somebody elses. And he keeps on sending out strange newsmagazine reports to the unknowing.
And the glorious winner is – please put your hands together for - Barefoot.
He keeps on designing his Barefoot Beershirts, the last such example was the Horitschon shirt. Hashers can still be seen wearing that one with drunken pride. Maybe it WAS a good idea to entrust him with that task, now also officially on the Masthead. And, even more important, he was the leading mutineer, the Captain Bligh of the last AGM, successfully elbowing Multiple Entry out of the speaker role and handled that task on a long evening with masterful expertise.
Please accept this Anti dumbass, or Vollpfosten Spray as your deserved price, may it serve you well to keep silencing the drunken masses in the future. It spreads intelligence amongst the unaware.
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| What a happy face! |
SN
By now, the beer should know enough to come out of the store when I honk!
Staying in line with the last award, we continue to honor the creators of Word Mountains, the Masters of Gobbledegook. Mother Superior, OVH is therefore automatically ruled out of the circle of candidates for this one.
The delectable candidates are:
Candidate # 1 - Sinex – a centrepiece of this Hash Chapters past. We’re honored to have the Bag and him as our party guests tonight.
Candidate # 2 - 7 Up – not really a Harriette of many words in Hash circles but we will help her to improve that quality in the coming Hash year.
Candidate # 3 - Mindphuck – a Former Grand Mattress, otherwise I rest my case
And the not so glorious winner of the Dr. Williams Pink Pills for Pale People award, which is a packet of Klugscheißer Pillen is – Morehair Richard Kopf, OVH
Being the smart-arse of the Vindobona Hash Circles since 1894, he keeps those assemblies going on for too long most of times, occasionally clocks in on a given time and about five times a year can be a real pleasant drinking buddy.
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| Well... |
CM
You know, I only drink to make YOU more interesting!
The Art of Forgetfulness is a very special character trait. Over the last Hashing year some Hares forgot to bring sufficient beer stocks to the circles so these ran dry quickly. The Moron Brothers sometimes forget to put up moronic Hash pics on their Website, running us visually dry. And I forgot why I am even here tonight!
A Mystery in an Enigma is a conundrum.
Let’s get this over with the following forgettable candidates:
Candidate # 1 - Victoria’s Secret – for forgetting not to wrestle an escalator! Your plaster says thank you!
Candidate # 2 - Root C Anal – for never forgetting to spread the latest uncouth Hash gossip.
Candidate # 3 - Boney M – do not forget to provide many slabs of Leberkäse for the All Marias run tomorrow afternoon!
And the charming winner is – and I would like you make her feel REAL GOOD:
Lopsided Backside – for forgetting the bag with all her belongings (house keys, mobile phone, nose flute) on a bus or at a Würstelstand for the second time – or was it the third time?
The Laudatio for the Happy Winner comes straight from LB herself, using her own words after that bag was turned in at the lost property office, minus her wallet and her phone…
(Quote) “My guess is that the offender thought I was in some kind of creepy porno movie society not understanding what 'casting couch' is and of course the "Lord" himself (Glo balls). You can only imagine what they considered the nose flute to be and that condom from PGAE (Pussy Galore's alpine experience) and last but not least my code name: Lopsided Backside.
One wouldn't think I was getting ready for an innocent AGM.......
I will use my alligator bag from now on and run off any sticky fingers.”(Unquote)
Sincere congratulations to your Idiotikum Akut Pills. May they shine a light on you!
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| Congratulations! :-) |
SN
We have arrived at the second last award for tonight.
God clearly didn't want heaven to be overrun be a bunch of smelly slobs whose greatest achievement in life was knowing how to find food at the end of the spoon.
One thing you can no longer smell in Ostrich restaurants is cigarette smoke, finally! The food at the buffet table smelled quite fine, as far as I am concerned. And a flask of “Bad Boys Are No Good But Good Boys Are No Fun” perfume should help us to continue this party in style. Which brings us to the candidates of the Makin’ Whoopee award, which usually ends up in a foul smell.
The first candidate in Absentia is Smelly Cheese, one of the really Old Farts at the Worlds Worst
Candidate # 2 – Horse Dick – Member of the Young Farts Faction at the VH3
Candidate # 3 – Just John, for no particular reason other than we don’t really know him and he has not been given a nominee spot on the Christmas Party Awards in former years.
And the Plebejan winner is – applause please – Multiple Entry!
For years and years he keeps coming back to Vindobona, despite our best efforts to chase him away once and for all!
This Whoopee Cushion is your deserved price for your stubbornness. Have fun with it!
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| Making Whoopee |
MT
A man starts to hallucinate when his John Thomas is left too long in solitary confinement.
At long last we have gotten to the run of the year award, honoring the efforts of those who came up with great runs, year in and year out.
The fine candidates are the following (and the list is slightly longer than usual):
Candidate # 1 - Just In Beaver – his Beaver runs, the dangerous Beaver Juice that he serves at the Barbecues after the runs plus the slightly altered starting point of this years run secured him a spot in this exclusive circle. Plus there was even water in the Donau-Oder Kanal so we could take a swim!
Candidate # 2 - No Mercy Mistress – every year she pleases us with her legendary swimming pool, sauna and Barbecue runs in the summer. Merci Beaucoup!
Candidates # 3 - Casting Couch and 2Bob – bringing out the best in the area of the Goldene Stiege in Mödling, various runs in and around Traiskirchen, Tattendorf and so on. Grazie!
Candidate # 4 – Lopsided Backside – she, with a wee little help of No Balls Prize – set yet another classic Langenlois Hash in the billowing August heat. Things became so hot that S. Energy passed out briefly and was brought back to life by the content of a dozen different waterbottles, all poured straight in her face.
Candidate # 5- All the Hares and all the Train Trolleys for all the runs at the Horitschon weekend last June, at the celebration for the Vindobona Hash # 2000.
And the best run of the year has been set by ………….. KUTY PI!
At the end of March she set her spring run in Wolkersdorf on the other side of town, laying 10 k trails for both walkers and runners all by herself. And this is most amazing.
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| A Happy Harriette with her award for the best run in 2019 |
Please come forward to collect your Hangover Ice Bag that can either be filled with cold water or with Ice Cubes. May it serve you well. Bravo!
That’s it folks!
Whatever happens in the world, just remember that love is the most important thing. (And the message is L.O.V.E.!) Merry Christmas!
More Christmassy Moron Pics can be found here.
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| The Backyard of the Gasthaus Birner |
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